Love, Always.

the terrifying truth about life, and love.

i just watched The Vow. and it was beautifully tragic. my heart ached through the entire movie. it is so terrifying to think that in an instant, everything can change. life is sudden and unpredictable. just when you think everything is going great, things can change. one moment, you’re kissing at a stop sign, and the next…the love of your life doesn’t even recognize you. that scares the shit out of me. that i could find the person i want to be with for the rest of my life…and then they could be torn away from me, in an instant. i can’t even imagine how that would feel. or maybe i can, and that’s why i feel so heart-achy right now. 

oh, life.

life has definitely been keeping me on my toes lately. with my new volunteer position at the DC, job hunting, working out 4 times a week, being in an awesome relationship with my incredible boyfriend (almost 11 months!), and having just turned 21…life is good! I wish the job hunt was going better, but I know I’m going to hate having to work, so I’m trying to savour it. I was also asked by a new-ish friend to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, and I am SO excited. I can’t even explain how good that feels. It’s going to be a crazy summer. Wedding stuff, grand canyon road trip with the cousins, and getting stoked that my education is on track…everything is so exciting! Ohhhh, life. 

i am so tired of fighting. it is one of the most exhausting things. i just want everything to feel okay again. i hate feeling as though i need to worry about our relationship, because up to this point it’s been easy. you said that you wished it could be carefree, like before. but nothing stays carefree forever. the bottom line is that i feel hurt that you tore me apart, because i guess i didn’t expect you to have so many things that bother you about me. i have been trying so hard to be the best girlfriend. and now i feel as though i’m failing. and that sucks. but i know you love me, and i love you. and i know that we’ll work things out. because the truth remains: you make me want to be the best version of myself, and i can’t imagine my life without you in it. 

and yet…the days when he runs laps in my mind are few and far between, forever growing fewer and farther. my mind is almost always in the present, with j. i have never wanted so much for something to work out. when i picture my future, i want him there. he means the world to me. there is no place i would rather be than his arms, because everything feels perfect when i am there, even if it’s not. at the same time, i don’t wish i was with him all the time. sometimes it’s nice to sit at home and watch a movie on my own. and that’s okay. i don’t worry about what he’s up to (usually), and its okay if we go a few hours without texting. i feel good, secure. i like having a person, and i like feeling like we have a future together. 

Grey skies and melancholy moods

Rain makes me feel melancholy. It’s like a wave that threatens to engulf me. The glass is half empty instead of half full. I beat myself up for stupid things, I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I’m an outsider in my own house. It’s just the grey skies and the silence of an empty house, I know that. But still, it brings everything that I manage not to think about to the surface. My ex is always in the back of my mind when I have these days. I’m not sure if it’s because the way I feel now is reminiscent of how things felt when I was dating him - hopeless and sad - or whether I secretly miss him somewhere in the depths of myself. It makes me even more unhappy that when I feel this way, I can’t stop dwelling on him and wondering how he is. I can’t even figure out why I care anymore. It’s been over a year since he broke my heart a final time, since I decided enough was enough. Yet I am still tortured by thoughts of him on a regular basis, made worse by the fact that I can’t figure out why the hell he’s doing laps in my head. The worst part is that I feel guilty that he’s on my mind, because I know how upsetting that would be for j. I wish these thoughts would go away. Maybe I should have given myself more time to heal after it ended, instead of throwing myself head first into another relationship.

i love him with all my heart, and i can’t wait to be back in his arms. there isn’t a place in the world that feels more right.

long-distance is so hard sometimes. but we’re doing it, and we seem to be doing it well. he is sweet and caring and attentive, despite the thousands of kilometres between us. it makes me happy, but sometimes i can’t help but wonder if its too good to be true. i spend so much effort pushing the negative, pessimistic thoughts down and out of my mind that sometimes i have little breakdowns of worry. this isn’t easy for me. i am constantly dismissing those thoughts telling me that it’s just going to end up the same way it has in the past…it’s exhausting. i love him and i trust him. but sometimes i am feel so damaged and vulnerable and afraid. i can’t trust like i used to. now there is always a sliver of doubt pushing its way into my thoughts, fighting to be heard. and i hate those thoughts. some days i am absolutely certain that everything is going to work out, that i am right about someone for once, that he would never do to me what they did. but other days, i just feel so hopeless. like, eventually, i am always going to be betrayed. 

i hate the things that destroyed my heart’s innocence. 

i feel that i used to be well spoken and thoughtful in my conversations. now i feel like a mess of way too many words that don’t come out the way i want them to.